Dad Mode

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When my wife handed me a pregnancy test, a faintly pink cross indicating a positive result, I mostly felt one thing: fear. The kid was planned for, and our marriage was the best it had ever been. By every metric, this was an ideal time for us to grow our family. Still, holding that test, I felt more terrified than elated.To me, that little plastic stick—on sale with a BOGO—wasn’t just a pregnancy test. It was shining a bright, searing light into my interior self, forcing me to confront the problem that was, well, me. At that moment, I realized that the issues I used to kick to tomorrow needed to be addressed today. 

Mainly, I realized that it was all on my wife and me. The only future opportunities the child would have would be the ones that we could provide. Did I want my kid’s daycare to be a windowless basement with no real education program? That would be $2,800 a month. Did I want my baby to have organic snacks, teachers with master’s degrees, and a window? Be prepared to shell out $52,000 annually. That money wasn’t just going to appear—it was on us, and no one else, to make it happen. (These are all real prices for daycare in Boston, by the way.)

Being forced to confront the cold reality of “If you suck, your child’s life will suck” isn’t exactly motivating. Over the past eight months, however, I have found that pending parenthood is a forcing function of positive improvement. It sounds a bit crazy, but if you want to be better at life, a kid is a surefire way to make you improve fast.

Realizing how much was on me suddenly and totally shifted my brain. There was an audible revving sound that sounded through my skull as my mind kicked into a new gear I did not know existed. My wife lovingly calls it “dad mode.” It has been a revolution in how I approach my career, my priorities, and my approach to health and partnership. 

Dad mode has changed my life for the better in ways that I believe are valuable for people who are ambitious and care a lot about their careers—even if they aren’t parents-to-be. To put it bluntly, it is unfair to expect a child to put up with your shit. The only moral choice an expectant parent can make is to get your shit together.

Dad careers

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• Shifting from passion to practicality
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