Stop Being Who You Aren’t

Whether you do it consciously or not, you are constantly putting stuff into the world that others notice and respond to. Everything—chatting to a stranger in line for groceries, small talk at parties, conversations at work, what you broadcast on social media—attracts, repels, or is ignored by other people. Unless you are completely disconnected from the world, you can’t avoid this. 

There’s a trap here, though. It’s all too easy to accidentally attract the wrong community because you learned to share an image of yourself that you think others will like. But if that image isn’t really who you are, you’ll probably feel alone and misunderstood, even if surrounded by people. They’re not your people.

The way out of the trap is to pay attention to your “felt” experience as you move through your life. Learn to notice moments when things feel wrong in some way. You may be fortunate and have a clear sense of “that was inauthentic,” but it may be as simple as “my stomach knotted when I said that.” 

In other words, the first step to figuring out who you are is to stop being who you’re not. This is what I’m inviting you to do, and I’ll share a few helpful mindsets and approaches here that can make it much easier. This isn’t a how-to guide on how to make friends though: Consider it a kind of metaprotocol that you can apply to help bring the right kind of people into your life. 

Pay attention to your felt experience 

Let’s look at an archetypal childhood experience, a moment of expressing something authentic, heartfelt, and genuine but being laughed at for it. This experience—which happened to me a lot growing up—might teach you to avoid the pain of ridicule next time by actively trying to be different. You simulate what you think other people will like and then act like that.

This strategy may succeed, at least on the surface. If you’re good enough at reading the room and simulating others’ preferences, you can layer on behaviors that will help you fit in. This is actually an incredibly valuable social skill that is useful—some might even say necessary—to develop to a high level of proficiency, particularly if you often move between different social and professional circles that have different norms.

But you need to be cautious with it. While it’s useful, it becomes dangerous the moment you forget that you’re doing it—when the performance becomes your reality. You lose your sense of self.