Stop Being Who You Aren’t

Whether you do it consciously or not, you are constantly putting stuff into the world that others notice and respond to. Everything—chatting to a stranger in line for groceries, small talk at parties, conversations at work, what you broadcast on social media—attracts, repels, or is ignored by other people. Unless you are completely disconnected from the world, you can’t avoid this. 

There’s a trap here, though. It’s all too easy to accidentally attract the wrong community because you learned to share an image of yourself that you think others will like. But if that image isn’t really who you are, you’ll probably feel alone and misunderstood, even if surrounded by people. They’re not your people.

The way out of the trap is to pay attention to your “felt” experience as you move through your life. Learn to notice moments when things feel wrong in some way. You may be fortunate and have a clear sense of “that was inauthentic,” but it may be as simple as “my stomach knotted when I said that.” 

In other words, the first step to figuring out who you are is to stop being who you’re not. This is what I’m inviting you to do, and I’ll share a few helpful mindsets and approaches here that can make it much easier. This isn’t a how-to guide on how to make friends though: Consider it a kind of metaprotocol that you can apply to help bring the right kind of people into your life. 

Pay attention to your felt experience 

Let’s look at an archetypal childhood experience, a moment of expressing something authentic, heartfelt, and genuine but being laughed at for it. This experience—which happened to me a lot growing up—might teach you to avoid the pain of ridicule next time by actively trying to be different. You simulate what you think other people will like and then act like that.

This strategy may succeed, at least on the surface. If you’re good enough at reading the room and simulating others’ preferences, you can layer on behaviors that will help you fit in. This is actually an incredibly valuable social skill that is useful—some might even say necessary—to develop to a high level of proficiency, particularly if you often move between different social and professional circles that have different norms.

But you need to be cautious with it. While it’s useful, it becomes dangerous the moment you forget that you’re doing it—when the performance becomes your reality. You lose your sense of self. 

To find your way back to it, focus on your inner sensations as you navigate life. Become aware of instances when something feels off. Look kindly and softly at the thing you’re doing that you don’t like and change nothing. Just pause, and then gently put it down without picking something else up in its place. I talked about this approach in more detail in my previous essay, “How to Make Unfixated Choices.”

This will feel strange at first because nature abhors a vacuum, and so will you. You’ll be itching to overwrite your behavior with another, different act. But if you can wait patiently, then the void will seem to fill itself with something that is you. From your perspective, viewed from the inside, what shows up will be spontaneous and surprising, yet somehow familiar. By ceasing all the things that aren’t you, you clear space for the real you to show up.

You’ll learn what you would say if you were less afraid of judgment. You’ll see what aspects of your personality would express themselves if you cared less about the opinions of others. Over time, you may get comfortable with actively repelling the “anti-others,” the potential haters, energy-sinks, and troublemakers. This is a good thing! If you’ve ever been utterly put off by someone’s social media presence, consider that it may be by design.